The Crafty Creep: A Case of the Mondays: IC Rants from Jenny Talia

I've got a fuckin' bone to pick, and it ain't in my pants.

THIS IS NOT YOUR REAL FACE

So, here's the deal: You're a Cleo. You were Queen of Downtown back in '92. You modeled for Calvin Klein. You were so popular you had two answering machines to catch all the messages people were leaving you. Okay, that was me, but anyways: Now you're a pug-ugly monster with gigantic ears and beyond normal male-patterned baldness. Your life sucks because now you'll never be invited to any of those rockin' parties that the Torries throw that's got the clean hookers and quality blow. Boo-fucking-hoo.

This is the face I am making right fucking now.

We get it. Seriously. We all understand the shit of reality when we look in the mirror and are greeted with gaping maws and strangely-sprouted appendages. And warts. And oh yeah, those oozing pustules that smell strangely like roast beef.

Get over it.

You're one of us now. You have to understand that while the rest of the world will shun you based on looks, we are family. We accept you. We love you, at best, and at worst we tolerate you like that drunken uncle at a family reunion. So here's some tips, because we really don't like having to put you out of our misery just because you're the superficial idiot. In truth, you're useful. We're useful to you. Learn this and love it.

1. Down here, we're all ugly. Don't hide from us, it ain't doing you any favors.

2. Your mastery over masking your looks is actually VERY handy when dealing topside. Pick your marks wisely.

3. Do not, under any circumstances, treat family like shit. We're all you've got when it comes down to it.

4. Expect a little hazing. Really. We wouldn't be a family if we didn't show our love this way. Take it with a grain of salt, buck up, and fucking get over it.