Cheap Tricks: Duct Tape!

Silence is Golden, Duct tape is Silver

Duct tape is like The Force: It has a Light side, a Dark side, and it holds the fucking universe together. Remember the days when duct tape was fucking useless? Me neither. I have rescued many a household object or appliance with the silver wonder.

THE COLORS, DUKE! THE COLORS!!!!!!

Nowadays, though, duct tape has gone from being just silver and handy to being a fashionable cloth-alternative! Apparently I-- as a 14 year old making straight-legged pants into bell-bottoms to aggravate my mother beyond words, was years ahead of a hot fashion trend. There are literally hundreds of articles and photos of high schoolers making prom outfits entirely out of duct tape, and with all the colors and patterns of the magical material available, you have no excuses NOT to have something ducked (see what I did there? I'm a genius.). So get your asses to the hardware shop and get crafty!

I, for one, will be dressing my creep in NOTHING BUT DUCT TAPE FROM NOW ON!

Some things I've found with just a quick Google search:

- Ol' Faithful: Duck brand sells colored and patterned tape to make truly amazing shit!
- DIY like crazy: Here's one of about a million instruction sites that you can use to get started on formal court duct tape fabulousness.
- This site, ducttapefashion.com boasts another bunch of gloriously patterned and colorful rolls, including college brands for those of you who really feel the need to affiliate with universities.
- Need more inspiration? Duck's "Stuck at Prom" contest boasts a massive gallery of beautiful, bright designs.

PROTIP: When you finally decide to make yourself an article of the delicious wonder-material, take the time and get a friend to help you make a duct-tape dummy for custom-fit. It really is the cheapest alternative to splurging on a full-on dress-form.
PROTIP 2: Buy cheap fabric to cover the sticky side and treat the tape JUST LIKE REAL FABRIC. Just don't machine wash it, as sometimes washing can damage the adhesive.

A Case of the Mondays: Architect Abuse

You know what never gets mentioned when you hear someone complimenting the way a warren is run, designed, and maintained? The fucking Architect.

You Hivemasters think you could raise your precious gators, rats, and bats without the Architect building the pools for you? How about you Technophiles and Double-O's with your libraries and computer banks? Wouldn't those also kind of require the dry, safe spaces for all that information? That's where we, the Architects come in.

We turn tunnels into barracks. We secure your path. Our traps guard you while you sleep. We know the exits. We know the false exits. We MADE this empire of tunnels and traps to keep you, your information, your animals, your unlives safe. Do not FUCK with us.

[ OOC Note: This is kind of a roughish draft of what I'm writing for a OWBN Nosferatu project. ]

A Case of the Mondays: Bonus Rant!

People.

People.

STOP TALKING ABOUT GEHENNA!

For serious.

I hate you all.

The more you fucking babble endlessly about this shit, the more panic you're going to cause. The more panic you cause, the more we turn those stupid fucking 'prophecies' into a reality because you and your idiot friends are all out there LOOKING for ANYTHING that even vaguely resembles being able to "prove the prophecies right".

Look.

I'm not a Noddist. I'm not some religious whackjob. I'm not an elder of the clan trying to sweep what *real* signs there are under the rug.

But for fuck's sakes, if you start talking about this shit, *YOUKNOWWHO* MIGHT SHOW UP AND I DON'T WANT TO REBUILD ANOTHER GODDAMN WARREN!

Now SHUT THE FUCK UP, stay safe, stay hidden, and stay informed.

Love + Scissors,

- Jenny Talia, Staunch defender of blissful ignorance.

Cheap Tricks: Stink Like You Mean It!

If you're gonna be a creep, you gotta smell like one.

Today's cheap trick is more or less common knowledge for us veteran creepazoids. So here's what most of you already know: Eat stuff with onions and garlic before you play your creepy little Nosferatu, and project your 'H-words!'

Other options are potent cheeses like gouda, hard-boiled eggs.

For the particularly adventurous, try mixing different fragrance oils and soaking a cotton ball with the oil, and sticking the ball in a pocket. (Use plastic wrap to protect the fabric if you're particularly attached to the garment.)

A Case of the Mondays: IC Rants from Jenny Talia

I've got a fuckin' bone to pick, and it ain't in my pants.

THIS IS NOT YOUR REAL FACE

So, here's the deal: You're a Cleo. You were Queen of Downtown back in '92. You modeled for Calvin Klein. You were so popular you had two answering machines to catch all the messages people were leaving you. Okay, that was me, but anyways: Now you're a pug-ugly monster with gigantic ears and beyond normal male-patterned baldness. Your life sucks because now you'll never be invited to any of those rockin' parties that the Torries throw that's got the clean hookers and quality blow. Boo-fucking-hoo.

This is the face I am making right fucking now.

We get it. Seriously. We all understand the shit of reality when we look in the mirror and are greeted with gaping maws and strangely-sprouted appendages. And warts. And oh yeah, those oozing pustules that smell strangely like roast beef.

Get over it.

You're one of us now. You have to understand that while the rest of the world will shun you based on looks, we are family. We accept you. We love you, at best, and at worst we tolerate you like that drunken uncle at a family reunion. So here's some tips, because we really don't like having to put you out of our misery just because you're the superficial idiot. In truth, you're useful. We're useful to you. Learn this and love it.

1. Down here, we're all ugly. Don't hide from us, it ain't doing you any favors.

2. Your mastery over masking your looks is actually VERY handy when dealing topside. Pick your marks wisely.

3. Do not, under any circumstances, treat family like shit. We're all you've got when it comes down to it.

4. Expect a little hazing. Really. We wouldn't be a family if we didn't show our love this way. Take it with a grain of salt, buck up, and fucking get over it.

Fucking Primadonnas

If you can't handle that shit, just get an asp to chomp down on your tit like your namesake already and get out of my way.

Hrm. I think I lost my steam. But anyway... Stay safe, stay hidden, stay informed.

Love + Scissors,

Jenny Talia the Jiffysquid